A change of seasons

Monday, 4 May 2009

I got to homeroom almost late and the teacher wasn't even in the room yet. Becky sits in front of me. She watched me step over her cumbersome backpack and sit down and then turned round to lean on the front of my desk. 'My God,' she said, 'how can you look gorgeous on a Monday?'

I laughed. 'What?'

'That skirt.... I swear you have a bottomless well of clothes.'

'I do not! I've had this a long time.'

I like the charcoal-on-white toile skirt. But I try not to do the monochromatic thing too far-- today I had on a navy top with the white shirt tied over it like a shrug and the black pumps... and NO hose. Well-- in spite of the rain it's still spring. I crossed my legs below the knee like Mother always reminds us to do and Becky sighed. 'So you got it in England?'

'The skirt?' I nodded.

'God....'

Beside me, Vivian looked me over and then said, 'I like the skirt too, Janine. I wish I could get something like that round here.'

I shrugged. The teacher came in, the bell went off, and then we had to stand for the Pledge. As we all sat down Becky leaned over the front of my desk again. 'That reminds me-- if I can go out shopping this week, will you come with me?'

I nodded at once. 'Of course. It would have to be Wednesday, though. Where do you want to go?'

'Oh, like, whatever's around--'

I patted her hand on my desk. 'We'll go down to Lynnhaven. They have everything there.'

'Oo, that long way?'

I smiled at her again. 'I'll have the car. Think nothing of it.'

The teacher came in then. Beside me Vivian was still looking at the skirt.

At lunch I sat with Jessy's usual posse. It must be remembered by now that this was once Rita's posse... and Jessy has emerged as the indisputable princess of the tenth-grade girls, with not only the concession of but the full support of Rita, gorgeous Rita, herself. Half of them were there when I arrived with a dish of salad and an iced tea. Becky hurried up just as I sat down and drew out the chair next to me. 'Hi,' she said breathlessly.

'Hi yourself,' I said.

'Janine-- did you get asked to prom?'

I looked at her. 'No... why? Did you?'

'No....'

Jessy looked up at once. 'You should go together,' she said.

I wrinkled my nose. 'Oh-- that is so trite. Girls going with each other because they don't have dates--'

Rita slapped the table-- not loudly, but we all looked at her. 'Janine! No one's asked you?'

I shrugged. 'So what?'

Josie said, 'They probably all think someone else has asked you. You should--'

'What? Advertise?' They laughed. 'Come on-- it's only a dance.'

Jessy pouted at me. 'But you should go.'

'So? You're not going.'

'It's a junior-senior prom,' she said.

I shrugged. 'Well, you could go with one of the junior guys who is not asking me,' I said. 'Besides there are enough people in this school who think I'm queer as it is; I'm not going to--'

They all laughed. 'Janine,' Becky said, 'NO one thinks you are queer.'

I looked at her. 'Well, I thought that--'

'Totally not,' she said definitely.

'Triple threat, love,' Jessy said to me, and I looked at her then. 'You're the princess. And we all know why none of them has asked you yet.'

Becky smiled. 'There are no princes at this school!' And they all giggled at that.

But there aren't. I've already noticed that. None of them seem willing to step out of what they are and aspire to be something better. They all actually believe that this little peninsula is the alpha and omega of their existence. But of course-- they've never been to other countries, seen other people, done other things. If you don't count eastern Maryland (20 minutes north) then I would say that most of them have never even been out of this state (and that includes Delaware, 90 minutes away). Oh, I know that travel alone does not make someone one thing or another. But my point is that I shouldn't expect them to welcome and warm to someone who is so obviously different from the way they are. The guys have got to have some idea of what to expect if they went out with me, and you've got to admit that a lot of guys would rather go to prom with at least a chance of getting something out of it to make the tuxedo rental worth it. There are plenty of easier girls at this school besides me. Why should they bother?

And wouldn't it just be the perfect piece of humiliation for the superior little bitch from somewhere else anyway?

Rita-- beautiful, uberpopular Rita, the one going with a junior guy to the prom, said then, 'We're having a pool party at our house the day after. All of you are invited.'

Becky looked at me, caught my arm excitedly, then let go. She never gets invited anywhere. 'Rita,' I said, 'you don't have to--'

'But it's already planned,' she said simply, and I wondered if it really was. 'I'm sorry I didn't say so sooner, that's all.'

People started talking about their expectations of the pool party. I started my salad. Becky let five minutes go and then leaned in and said, 'Steve doesn't have a date. His stupid girlfriend dumped him.'

I nodded. 'Probably already going with someone else,' I said.

'No. He isn't-- Oh, her. Yes, probably. But he likes you, and--'

'He scarcely even knows me.'

'Well, he would like you, if--'

I patted her arm. 'Thanks, Becky. Now what are we shopping for this week?'

She brightened. 'Oh! Anything that makes me look... better.'

I laughed. 'Well-- we'll see.'

Really I am not disappointed. I have not even thought much about it. I can come up with a hundred things to do that weekend that don't include going to prom, or even that would get in the way of going to prom. I've never been big on these formal dances. I don't dance freestyle that well and I don't like pretending I have to be loyal to some guy who's only asked me because all the other girls were taken. At HOH we had formals twice a year-- it was an all-girls' school and so most girls didn't have dates. We just looked at it like an event that we should attend, maturely and politely, not just as an excuse to be seen with some boy. Sometimes girls showed up with dates-- about four times as many didn't. It wasn't an issue.

Oh, and it's not that I don't have a dress-- I have several. I've been to enough formal things in my life that I have a collection, none of which the people at this school have ever seen. I could show up in anything and look like a princess. Well-- if Jessy will, I will. I would rather go with Jessy than with anyone. She's only in 10th but a 10th-grader is allowed to come as my 'date'. We'll have the car and Roger to drive us. We'll show up and look like princesses, like two girls who don't quite belong here... which is what we are. Well-- maybe that then. I haven't decided.

I got home from school and got out of everything (except panties) and curled up under the comforters on my bed. It was cloudy and there are no lights on. It's gone very chilly. I don't like feeling alone.

...

When almost is good enough

Sunday 3 May 2009

Over the weekend it was warm enough to... get comfortable [wink]. The team had practice on Saturday and I rushed home looking forward to a pleasant day on my chaise in the garden, and it began to rain. I growled and the rain got worse. I ranted about it and it got worse yet. So I shut up and went online, as I am often wont to do, and complained to people there about it. And it rained all weekend.

So mostly I was in my room, but that didn't mean I didn't have to be... comfortable [wink]. Mother came up on Sunday afternoon and asked if I was coming down for tea. She likes to have proper tea at 4.00, after school and especially on Sundays. I said I would and put on my pale blue cover-up shirt, buttoned at least some of it, and put on a little silver belt round it to hold it down, you know. And I stepped into my silver shoes, just because. Well-- it was like 80 degrees in the house. When I descended Mother took one look at me and giggled. 'Oh, Janine! I might have guessed!'

'What?'

Then she told me two of the ladies from church were coming. In fact a car pulled up outside as I stood there. I stomped a foot and went back up stairs.

I met Jessy in the gallery. She had on a t-shirt and panties and I said, 'Not enough. We have company.'

As I passed her she stomped her foot too and turned to go back to her room.

I was frustrated from not getting to lie out back. At least Jessy and Lisa had been out there playing, earlier-- I have had no sun since Tuesday afternoon and then only a little. So I just pulled on the grey HOH skirt I had worn for church and went back down. Mother smiled at me-- was that a wink? Daddy came in and started a conversation and we all got wrapt-up in politics and no one paid much attention to what I had on. I didn't care.

Jessy kept trying to meet eyes with me from across the table. She'd put on her stuff from church again and looked nice. By contrast I looked like a slob with the shirt hanging out over the little grey skirt. I didn't care.

'I can't believe you did that,' Jessy said quietly to me in the gallery, after they had gone.

I just shrugged. 'So--? It doesn't matter.'

She looked at me. I knew what she meant-- I could have had on a bra, but-- 'Well,' she said, 'maybe it doesn't.'

I smiled at her. 'You think--?' I stood up straight.

She gave me one look. 'Um-- No.'

Oh, well.

...

Thank God I brought my laptop

morning in April....

The ocean is blue now. It is the dry, pure blue of no humidity, that sparkles in the sunlight, the rich cobalt blue of every story that ever mentioned the deep blue sea. Line after line of wet white waves curl and cascade upon the shore. The pristine sand, blown and battered smooth by the endless waves and untouched by footprints extends a mile to either side of where I stand on this deck with the startlingly crisp, clear east wind tearing tightly at my hair and collar. This sky is not the aenemic atmospheric aspect of summer but dense and brilliant, reflected from the bright blue of the ocean, so true-blue that if you could scratch it with your fingernail it would not show white underneath like an antique glass Christmas ornament but be blue all the way through. In the sharp white laser-light of the morning sun everything looks pure and unspoilt, the railing of this deck, the dunes pricked with dead evergreen branches, the grey beach grass and the sand beyond, the white rollies of the shorebreak, and the ocean, all of the ocean, from here to Portugal, a breathtakingly beautiful blue that shall be lost to indistinct greenish-grey as the spring wanes and the season warms. But it shall not be forgotten by me.

The ocean is waiting.

...

All undressed and nowhere to go

Sunday afternoon. 3 May 2009

I HATE this rain!!! When will it end????

...

The Jonas Brothers are idiotic

Saturday, May 2nd 2009

... but they are on TV right now, so that meant both of my sisters are in some weird TV zone in which they don't even notice people coming into or walking out of the room. I walked out. I mean I can only take so much stupid humour. The Jonas Brothers go past my limits for tolerating stupid humour. In fact they reinvent the whole concept.

But try to tell this to Jessy.

It was pleasant today and when I got home from the game (and we are 5-3 now-- yay) I had a shower and then, of course, didn't put anything on. The whole time the game was on, the sky was clearing and it was getting hot. By 1.00 pm it was grey again. I complained, and I stayed in. Jessy got back from the Ladybits game across the township and went right out with Lisa. The two of the frolicked naked out there all afternoon. I didn't feel like frolicking. I just wanted to lie out. I got a little sun over last weekend but that's all the sun colour I've had since that one weird day in February when Jessy and I were actually lying out in the chaises.

At what point did the world decide the Jonas Brothers could sing, anyway? -all right, I will close Jessy's door now.

I have not been online much recently. Someone insulted me and I have been avoiding him. The way we left it, I expected him to stalk me. Fortunately he has apparently left me alone. I am not brooding. I am just naturally cautious.

Okay, Joe Jonas is cute. I will leave it go now.

While I was talking to my cousin on the phone, Lisa came in and pushed the 'on' button on the computer. The computer was already on, so what she did was turn it off. I lost a couple of conversations in process. They probably think I shut them off deliberately. It serves me right for not typing 'BRB' or putting on the away message.

And yes, I did consider putting Lisa in a small cage and hauling her up to the top of the flagpole till dark. But I just didn't have a cage the right size.

It serves me right also for even going into Jessy's room when I knew she would have on Miley Cyrus anyway. So I am guilty of indulging them both. I'm only glad I have survived it so long before my brain has turned into moosh. ('Oh yeah!')

Mother says there is a bit more ice cream left. I shall have it. Perhaps I will be on later....

...