Role modelling

Sunday, 30 Auguast 2009

Josie is still staying with us-- her mother rang today and said she was expected home tomorrow, just to 'touch base'. We laughed at this. The dear girl has been a part of our household in everything (except maybe one or two points) since July or so. She even has her own toothbrush in our common bathroom.

After church today the three of us drove out and had ice cream, met with some of the girls from the club, and sort of congregated over at the high school for a kind of 'let's see how the old place is preparing for us' visit. There were some boys there attempting to play soccer-- I say 'attempting' because there wasn't enough dribbling or volleying to make it even remotely interesting. I was in a skirt so when some of the girls wanted to join in I just sat on the bleacher seats and watched.

Josie was in a skirt too (Jessy's gold-coloured one, which she wore to church with us) and we got to talk a little. At one point she turned to me and said, straight out of the blue, 'I know you don't always trust me, Janine.'

I looked at her. 'Josie, when have I ever not trusted you?'

She shook her head. 'You don't have to say that. I know you worry.'

'I will always worry,' I said.

'About me and your little sister?'

I looked at her. 'I love you,' I told her, 'and I love my little sister. I will always worry about both of you.'

She looked at me for a long moment and then lowered her eyes, and I could see she was blushing. 'Well-- maybe "worry" is the wrong word then. But I just thought I should ask you something.'

'Sure, hun,' I said. 'What is it?'

She drew a breath and said, 'Do you really think it's all right, what we all do together?'

I smiled at her. 'Playing in stockings? Swimming naked? Hiking the great outdoors? What's so terrible about it?'

'Well, you know. Jessy and I... sleeping together.'

I nodded. 'Hm. Is there anything I should worry about then?'

She shook her head. 'No. It's just that--' She looked about herself as though she couldn't find the right thing to say, and then she just said, 'Well. I mean-- well....'

'Josie,' I said, 'sweetheart... if there's anything you want to say, I promise you can just say it.'

So she did. 'Do you think it's weird that sometimes I feel attracted to your sister?'

I didn't even flinch. This was what I'd expected. 'Josie, sometimes I feel attracted to her too.'

She looked up at me. 'Really?'

'Sure,' I said. 'She's a cute girl, very sweet, intelligent, beautiful, everything good. Anyone would be a fool who wasn't at least a little bit crazy about her.'

Josie smiled then, and let out a sigh. 'Well.... I guess maybe I'm not so crazy then.'

'You do mean, don't you, that this isn't anything more than just feeling like you love her to death, riught?'

Josie nodded. 'Yes. I mean-- I think so. Sometimes I lie in the bed and watch her sleep. She's so beautiful.... And it gives me goosepimples.'

I nodded. 'And at other times?'

'Other times.... Well, I thank God she is my friend. I would hate to not be able to know her.'

I smiled. On the bench I saw her hand and took it. 'You are a good friend,' I said softly to her, 'and I know Jessy loves you very much. And she trusts you. And I trust you. This is what the girls' club is about, you know. We need to be good for each other.'

She nodded, staring down at where I held her hand. 'I know. And I'm sorry.'

'Don't apologise, sweetie--'

'But I should. I've had... impure thoughts.' Then she looked at me and smiled. 'That is what you would call it, right?'

Still holding her hand I looked her in the eye and said, 'Does this have anything to do with yesterday when I sort of walked in on you?'

Josie went very red and looked away then. 'Um, maybe. I don't know. I guess, a little. I mean--' now she went even redder-- 'I was wearing her panties. It's just so embarrassing--'

'It's all right,' I said. 'I get like that sometimes too. But I don't think it has anything to do with Jessy, or what I'm wearing. Sometimes I just....'

'Yes,' Josie said, and we looked at each other. 'Sometimes you just have to.'

'Sure. But do you confuse that with whom you're with? Other people nearby, or--?'

'I don't think so,' she said.' Then she smiled. 'Janine, you are so lucky to have her for a sister. And Lisa too. I will never know that. You're just so comfortable round other people. I'm not-- I know that. I just wish I were.'

'You're comfortable round me, right?'

She nodded a lot. 'Oh, yes. I feel like-- well, like I could tell you anything. Like you're the big sister-- Oh, that's not right.'

'It is,' I said, and squeezed her hand. 'If that's what you mean... I think it's lovely. And I'm happy to be your big sister.'

She stared at me for a very long moment and then suddenly reached up with both arms and hugged me. 'I love you, Janine. You may never know how much, but I do.'

'I love you too, Josie.'

She patted my back and hung onto me till her tears dried.

This evening, I was helping Mother clean up after dinner and I told her the gist of what Josie had said. 'I think she just feels like she needs to belong to someone, and she identifies with Jessy like that,' I said.

Mother nodded seriously. 'I was afraid of something like this,' she said.

'I don't think it means anything, Mother. I mean-- we're always together. If anything inappropriate were going to happen, it probably already would have happened.'

'Not necessarily,' she said.

I looked at her then. 'Do you want me to tell Jessy they shouldn't stay in the same room?'

Mother thought about that, not looking at me. Finally she said, 'I don't know. Maybe. I just think that your sister isn't ready for a decision like that, and if anything were to happen, she wouldn't be doing it out of a free choice.'

I nodded, thinking hard about that. Mother and I both know Jessy is very naive-- but it's the naievete that comes from pure innocence. Then I asked, 'Do you really think Jessy would?'

Mother looked right at me. 'What do you think?'

'I think she wouldn't dream of it. But-- that could end up hurting Josie, and I wouildn't want that.'

Mother smiled at me. 'Janine, you are too good sometimes.'

'Well I can't very well suggest doing anything that would hurt Josie's feelings. I'd rather trust her than tell her I don't trust her.'

Mother was still smiling. 'You do sound like me sometimes,' she said.

I shook my head. 'Josie isn't a lesbian, mother. She's lonely, and she needs a friend like a sister. A sister helps you stay in line, guides you, protects you, scolds you, you know, like Jessy and I do for each other. And she's only... exploring herself, the same way any girl would do. That's nothing terrible. I mean-- with the girls' club and all, we're all looking out for each other, so we'd trust each other with ourselves.'

'Do you think the other girls would tell you anything like this if they thought they were feeling it?'

'I don't know, Mother. I knew Josie would. I think Rita would. I think Becky would. Well, Becky did-- she told me she values me as a friend, loves me, trusts me implicitly. I hugged her in front of people and kissed her head. She said that was a very high compliment. She's not... in love with me.'

'Do you think Josie is in love with Jessy?'

'Oh, everyone is,' I said. Mother laughed. 'I mean-- everyone in school is a little in love with her. She's the princess, Mother. And sometimes people's feelings get... confused, on an issue like that. What did Daddy say? --there are three levels of admiration. You want to be like her, you want to be her, you want to possess her. It happens-- it's normal.'

'But you have never felt that way about someone else.'

I looked right at her. 'I haven't?'

My pretty stepmother stared right back at me. 'Well... have you?'

'Mother,' I said softly, 'you don't think I have?'

She went a little red then and looked down. 'Oh, Janine! Please!' And she laughed, to rid herself of the blush.

'You're my hero,' I told her. 'You're my role model, and my idol. You didn't know that?'

'I am not anyone for you to admire like that!' she insisted, and reached for a tissue.

'I have always loved you,' I said. 'From when I first met you, when you first came to live with us. And sometimes I didn't know what kind of love it was. I wanted to be just like you, I wanted to be so perfectly you that I became you. I wanted to live your life. I wanted you to never care about anyone but me. But I realised that it can't be like that. The reason I love you is because you love everyone, me and everyone else, so much and so well. So the most I can ever do is to take your example and try to do the things you would like to see me do.'

Mother blotted her eyes. For a moment she had nothing to say and I refused to go any further. Finally she said, 'You are much more like me than you know.'

I swallowed. 'If you really mean that, Mother--'

'I do mean it.'

'Then that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.'

She turned then and hugged me-- hard. 'Be a good angel,' she said into my ear. 'Be good to little J.J. and Lisa and to Jessy and to Josie. Be good to them, and you will be doing what I would want you to do.'

I nodded. 'Okay, Mother.'

'I adore you, sweet girl. I always have. Do not beat yourself up over anything like this.'

'Jessy will make the right decision,' I said.

'Yes. Jessy will make the right decision. And so will Josie, because she has your example, and Jessy's example. She adores you girls.'

'I know she does.'

'You must show her the right way to demonstrate that love,' she said to me.

I nodded again. 'I know. That's what the girls' club is for.'

She stepped back and looked at me, the mascara running down her cheeks and her eyes puffy and red. But the thing about Mother is that she never stands on pride. She doesn't care what she looks like as much as she cares about you. If it's appropriate to look at you, she will, and she won't hide that she's been weeping. 'The girls' club is for all of you,' she said. 'Not just girls looking up to you, Janine, by yourself. Being president of a club doesn't mean you have to carry them all. If you're worried about Josie, ask Josie. She a woman growing up and she needs to be able to explain herself, and, if she's been wrong, she needs to change. Not you. Not you, Janine-- whatever have you done that's so wrong?'

'I've done lots of wrong things.'

'Mistakes,' she said. 'Not bad judgement. Josie comes to you because she knows you won't judge her, you'll listen to her, and she'll gain something from asking you about it. If she wanted to do anything terrible she wouldn't have told you.'

I nodded. 'I know.'

'She needs your example. Do the right thing, and she will see it and do it too.'

I smiled then. 'As in "Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify the Father which is in Heaven".'

Mother laughed a little and wiped her eyes then. 'Exactly, Janine. Go in peace to love and serve the Lord.'

We smiled at each other. 'Okay,' I said quietly, and she kissed me and I went off, half moping with my arms folded over my tummy. I really did not feel as enthusiastic at all about it. I felt charged with a responsibility-- not to bear them all on my shoulders but to do something even harder-- to be perfect, as the Father is perfect, to do what is right in the face of every tendency I have to be lazy or selfish or arrogant about it. Josie needs my good example-- and I will show it to her.

In Jessy's room the two of them were lying close together on the floor looking into magazines. They were both naked-- no, Josie was in panties. 'What's up?' I asked them.

Josie looked up first. 'Hi, Janine.' And she smiled right at me. 'We're just... reading.'

I smiled and sat on the floor-- in the skirt-- and crossed my legs. 'Everything okay?' Jessy asked me then. 'You look... down.'

'Preoccupied,' I said, and smiled at her.

Josie smiled at me again. 'Are you chaperoning?' she asked me.

I nodded. 'Yes, Josie. That's exactly what I'm doing. Keeping you out of trouble.' Then I laughed.

Josie laughed too. 'Don't worry, doll,' she said to me. 'Nothing bad will happen here.'

We met eyes. Suddenly I was aware that whilst I had been talking with Mother these two had been talking up here. And it was already resolved. 'From now on,' Jessy said, not looking up but in fact still leafing through the magazine in front of herself, 'we have a new rule where we wear panties to bed.'

I giggled. 'Really? Why?'

'Because,' Josie said, 'as a very wise girl we know once pointed out, we are ladies, and we should be a little more proper. It's only for bed, you know. And, look-- we get to model cute things.' And she got up to her knees beside Jessy and wriggled her hips a little, showing off the panties. They're Jessy's of course-- she brought no extra clothes with her on Thursday night-- but very cute, pale pink cotton with little purple flowers round the front. 'Like them?'

I laughed. 'I've seen them before,' I said.

'Well, I'm wearing them to bed.'

I looked at Jessy's bare bottom. 'And what's the other one wearing to bed?'

'She'll get dressed,' Josie said, looking down at her. 'We promised each other. And we made another promise to each other, didn't we, sweetheart?' Jessy only shrugged. 'Yes,' Josie said. 'If we feel the need... we can go in the bathroom. The bed is off-limits if we're both in it.'

I giggled again. 'That works,' I said. 'But really, you don't have to--'

'No, Janine. Maybe we do have to. Or, I do. Anyway, it'll make us all feel more comfortable.' Then she smiled at me. 'Are you coming to bed soon?'

I shrugged. 'I'll go online first.'

Josie nodded. 'I'll read a little, I think.'

'Will you? What are you reading?'

She turned and lifted a book off the bedside table. '"Mansfield Park",' she said. 'Saw the movie. Need to read the book, right?'

I was impressed and smiled at her. 'Good girl.'

'Yes,' said Josie. 'That's me.'

...