Conversation (August)

The problem with this blog is that it's all keyed by date, so if I neglect to type up something in time and enter another blog text first, the earlier entry will get shuffled in the calendar. This is a conversation that happened in late August, less than a month after we came to this house and the whole nudity thing was still new for Jessy and me, and in light of some recent AOL chat topics I have decided to (finish it first and) include it now.

Something had been on my mind for a while and I needed to ask Mother (my stepmother, who is only 10 years older than I am) about it. The text is from my journal at the time which was not online yet.


Tuesday 19 August 2008

Jessy and I have been lying out beside the pool for about three weeks now, but I was not naked this evening when I went in to the kitchen for a glass of iced tea. I was, however, not totally dressed at all-- I was in plain pink panties and a black t-shirt.

Mother was in there finishing up her kitchen things and I offered to help, so I picked up a damp cloth and began wiping down the counters. 'Did you two have a pleasant afternoon, today?' she asked. 'I saw you two out there looking like pampered princesses.'

I laughed. 'I'm sorry, Mother. Do you mind that we do that?'

'No, no, of course not,' she said. 'You're exploring yourselves. That's your right as girls.'

I know what she meant, and it isn't anything risque at all, you know, just the idea of two sisters who have discovered the innocent pleasure of lying naked under the warm summer sun. But it did make me think of something else. 'Mother? Can I ask you something? I really don't know how to say this, but....'

She smiled and looked at me. 'You may always ask me anything. I might not know the answer, but....'

'Do you think it's a sin to masturbate?'

Of course no one would expect that question! The poor lady really thought about it and then managed to say, 'Well, what do you think?'

I thought too. 'I don't know what to think,' I said. 'The Bible says Osiris sinned by spilling seed on the ground. But that's not the same for girls... women. We're not wasting anything that's needed.'

Mother nodded, thinking seriously about that. 'That's a good point,' she said.

'But it's also the sin of pride,' I said.

Mother nodded at once, knowing exactly what I meant. 'Yes,' she said, 'it is.'

'It's pride,' I said, 'because God has put me in a state of life, a situation, where sexual gratification isn't called for. And I defy God if I say that doesn't matter, like if I come up with a way to get around what He wants for me. It isn't much different than premarital sex.'

She looked at me. 'Well, it isn't, but there is still a difference.'

I shrugged. 'Maybe....'

'In premarital sex you sin with someone. You both take advantage of this way of getting around what He wants for you, and, what's worse, you take undue risks upon yourself. Besides if you felt that strongly about each other, if you were that much in love, He has already provided a way for you to take. Right?'

I nodded. 'Yes.'

'And, of course, if you really don't feel that strongly about each other, it's only lust, and lust is a sin.'

'Yes,' I said.

She leaned in the corner of the kitchen, folded her arms across her tummy, and looked at me. 'Why do you-- Why would you masturbate? Why... might anyone do it?'

I leaned back on the opposite counter and thought. 'Well... some people might do it because they're sexually frustrated.'

She was still looking at me. 'Are you sexually frustrated?'

I blushed. 'I don't think so,' I said carefully. 'I mean... there could be other reasons for it.'

'Of course,' she said.

'I mean, people might just be curious about it, about their bodies, about what happens when... well, when some things happen.'

She nodded intelligently. She's not an idiot, you know. 'Do you think it's wrong to be curious?'

I looked at her. 'No.'

'Then, you would have to decide which it is,' she said. 'If it's lust, it's certainly wrong; you won't ever hear me countenance sheer lust, Janine, no matter what form it takes. We've all been guilty of it at least a little bit; maybe even you have, but we acknowledge our sin and atone, in our own ways, and we move on, relying on our faith in God to guide us away from sin, and we should not be lustful people in general. But if it's just a young person trying to find out a little about the body God has given her, and some things happen, how is that wrong?'

'I guess it's not,' I said. 'But what if it starts out that way, and then changes into something else? And the person does it too much, and likes it too much, and then starts thinking that maybe it's just a sin and a way to get round what God has given her, and then she feels guilty all the time about it. And she can't stop thinking that she is guilty of cheating on God, and cheating on her husband some day, because she is denying her husband the one thing he has a right to, and that she is no longer pure and good, but sort of naughty and bad. Because she already knows what she will feel like on her wedding night now, and you can never go back once you know, as you told me once. You can't un-ring a bell. And that can't be a good thing, Mother... can it?'

Mother looked down sadly. For a long moment I couldn't ask her why and yet I wanted her to answer me, to just give me some answer, any answer, because I would have done whatever she told me is right to do at that moment. She even sniffled, and all at once I felt like we would both burst out crying. Then she finally said, 'Oh, Janine, you sound like me when I was your age!' And she turned round and snatched a tissue out of the box on the counter, looking away from me as she blotted her eyes and nose.

I had tears in my eyes too. I couldn't move from the counter and just leaned there, trembling all over. 'I'm sorry, Mother,' I said softly.

'No,' she said away from me, 'don't be. Don't be sorry at all. Don't think of yourself as anyone who ever has to feel sorry for doing what you think is right, Janine.' She turned and looked at me with her eyes full. 'You are a precious, beautiful person, sweetheart. Don't be so hard on yourself. God doesn't punish you for being curious, or for feeling weak, or for feeling sexually frustrated. A good God wouldn't do that.' She sniffled and then blew her nose a little. She is so cute that when she blows her nose she makes a little squeak. 'You are a good angel, Janine. Go and be the good angel God already knows you are, and don't be hard on yourself if you feel curious or frustrated and you slip up and fall into the temptation sometimes. I promise you your husband some day will forgive you, God will forgive you, and I am not anyone you should ever ask forgiveness from.'

I wiped my eyes with my finger, sniffling. 'I love you, Mother.'

'And I love you!' And we stood in the kitchen and held onto each other for as long as we could.

...